This post is an introduction to some of the key themes related to the Wood Element. Each child has all of the Five Elements within her and therefore a discussion of the Wood Element is relevant for every child. However, for some children it will be more relevant than for others. We are all born with varying innate tendencies, and each child will have areas of life in which they excel and areas they find more challenging. If having read this post, you feel that your child has an imbalance in their Wood Element, then the suggestions at the bottom will be especially relevant for them.
Key themes related to the Wood Element
Anger and related emotions; boundaries; power; constraint versus freedom; personal growth and development; compliance vs assertion; movement; fairness.
Factors that challenge the healthy development of the Wood Element
Your child may have an imbalance in their Wood Element without having experienced any of the factors described below. We are all born with an innate, constitutional imbalance in one of the Five Elements.
An overly repressive environment
A child will learn from an early age that she exists in a world where there are rules that limit what she can and cannot do. One of the many challenges of parenting is to constantly decide when, where and what limits should be imposed. If the culture of the family is to impose very strict limits on freedom and independence, it may have a negative impact on the development of the Wood Element. Emotional repression may have the same effect. It is natural for everybody to feel angry or frustrated at times. Although children need to be taught what behaviour is acceptable or not, finding a way to manage and express angry feelings is important. If it is considered unacceptable to express anger, or for siblings to squabble, for example, a child may begin to repress these emotions and this will block the flow of qi in the Wood Element.
An environment lacking in boundaries, rules and guidance
On the other hand, a child will rarely thrive without clear rules and boundaries. A child whose parents can never say ‘no’ to him, who is never made to wait or whose every whim is indulged is rarely a happy one. Rules and boundaries help to support the growth and development of the Wood Element, just as a climbing plant needs a trellis to hold it up. A child left to his own devices may struggle to bring his plans to fruition and achieve his goals.
An environment that suits the healthy development of the Wood Element for one child, might not be so beneficial for another. Just as different plants thrive in different soil, the varying nature of a child’s constitution means that a particular approach to discipline and boundaries will be too constraining for one child but not firm enough for another. The challenge for parents is to try to respond to the needs of each particular child, and to recognise how their own history and circumstances will mean they have a particular bias too.
Living in an atmosphere of conflict or violence
The Wood Element needs external harmony to be able to thrive. Within families, and particularly within the parental relationship, conflict is dealt with in different ways. Some couples will openly and frequently argue and then make up. As long as there are periods of harmony between the arguments, and also a lot of love, a child will, it is hoped, not be negatively impacted by this. Problems arise when the conflict between the parents is extreme, constant or even violent. Equally problematic is an atmosphere of chronic, unspoken resentment and irritation.
Of course, a child may be exposed to conflict outside the home too. He may have a teacher who is prone to shouting, become involved in or witness ongoing tension between his peers at school or experience conflict in his neighbourhood or community. Whatever the nature of an individual child’s response, the Wood Element is particularly susceptible to imbalance when exposed to disharmony and conflict in whatever form.
How might we recognise that the Wood Element in a child is struggling?
Difficulty with the expression of anger
One of the key signs that the Wood Element is imbalanced is that the child has particular difficulty managing his feelings and his expression of emotions in the anger family. This can manifest in different ways:
- He displays frequently aggressive and/or destructive behaviour. The qi of the Wood Element moves quickly and tends to rise upwards. It may therefore feel to the child (and to other people) that the anger comes from nowhere and take him over
- He is constantly irritable or frustrated. This is usually a sign that the child is ‘stuck’ in her feelings. It may manifest as constant rolling of the eyes, huffing and puffing and sighing.
- He is depressed and apathetic. Depression may be a sign that the qi of the Wood Element has become blocked, and the natural outward expression of anger has turned inwards. The child may feel hopeless and as if life has no point to it. He may have a strong ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude to life.
- He is overly compliant and unassertive. It is not a sign of emotional health for a child always to do what she is asked, or always to concede to the wishes of other children with whom she is playing. It is the qi of the Wood Element that gives a child the strength to assert herself, stand up for herself and to become independent as she grows older.
- Many children with an imbalance in the Wood Element oscillate between all the above. As Aristotle rightly said, ‘Anyone can get angry – that is easy…; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time and with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy.’
Difficulty achieving an appropriate level of independence
Another sign of an imbalance in the Wood Element is a child who struggles to achieve an appropriate level of independence. This may manifest in different ways:
- A child may feel the need to constantly defy the authority of her parents and/or teachers. She is compulsively defiant, and always does the exact opposite of what is expected of her. The degree of defiance she displays begins to hamper her ability to thrive. She struggles to know when to hold firm and when to concede.
- A child may, on the other hand, show an inability to grow into independence. This is often most noticeable around adolescence, when we would expect a child to begin to forge her own path in life and make her own decisions.
Other signs the Wood Element may be out of balance
- The child is prone to night terrors
- The child’s mood is always improved when they have a chance for physical activity
- The child is prone to headaches
How can we help the Wood Element in a child to develop strongly?
Finding a ‘good enough’ balance between boundaries/rules/guidance versus freedom/dependence
We all come to parenting with our own biases. Some of us tend to parent as a reaction to how we were parented, and others parent as a repetition of how they were parented. The more we can unpack our biases, and respond to the needs of the unique child in front of us, the better able we will be to find this tricky balance between allowing our child freedom and providing them with rules and boundaries. Of course, this is an ever-changing feast. It is something that a parent constantly needs to review as their child grows.
Support with the expression of emotions in the anger family
Helping a child to manage and express their angry feelings will help to create balance in the Wood Element. Children have many constraints put upon them, and often very little choice. Frustration and anger are a natural response to this. It is important that a child is not made to feel that having these feelings is somehow wrong or shameful. It is also important to help a child find ways of expressing the feelings, whilst at the same time giving clear messages about what behaviour is or is not acceptable.
Permission to express individuality
Not allowing a child to express their true nature is a form of repression and, as we have seen, any repression negatively affects the Wood Element. It can be hard as a parent, if we are not totally secure in who we are, to allow a child to express their unique self. As the author David Solomon noted, ‘Though many of us take pride in how different we are from our parents, we are endlessly sad at how different our children are from us.’
Provide opportunities for physical activity
In order for the qi of the Wood Element to flow smoothly, a child needs lots of opportunities for movement. This does not need to be organised sport. Simply running around in the park is enough.
Factors that might hinder the healthy development of the Wood Element
- An overly repressive environment
- An environment lacking in boundaries, rules and guidance
- Living in an atmosphere of conflict or violence
Signs that the Wood Element may be struggling
- Difficulty with the expression of anger and related emotions
- Compulsively rebellious and defiant
- Lacking an age-appropriate level of independence
Support for the healthy development of the Fire Element
- Finding a ‘good enough’ balance between boundaries/rules/guidance versus freedom/dependence
- Support with expression of emotions in the anger family
- Permission to express individuality
- Providing opportunities for physical activity